I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
