I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize