Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
