i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
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