I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
