Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
