i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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