Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
