and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
