it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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