I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
