For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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