Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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