I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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