Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i already hear my dad disowning me
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
