their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
