Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
