I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
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