I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
