no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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