I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
