Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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