I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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