I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Still dying that you shit outside
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize