he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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