i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
