So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
