I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
