I wish I could teleport
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
