Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
