dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
