I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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