If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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