Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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