oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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