Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
