he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
