Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
