I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
