What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
