sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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