My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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