When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
