Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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