well you can't waste a boner
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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