tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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