and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My bed smells like the plague
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