dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
