rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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