Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
