My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
