You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
did you just send me my own nude
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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