Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
