you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
