Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Randomize
