what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
