I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
