doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
