3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
