How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize